Feeling Down

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I'm sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I've had a hard month, and just couldn't put into words how I felt.

I don't think I'm going to be able to get the surgery. It's a long story, and I just don't feel like writing about it right now. I have been so depressed over it. I've been trying to just really restrict my calories, but I can't do any diet for more than a day or two, as usual. I try so hard, but then I either get really hungry at the end of the day, or the stress of the day just builds up to where I can't stand it anymore, and I don't care about dieting. I just feel really miserable right now. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't even care about being skinny, I just want to look normal. You know, not have my stomach sticking way out past my chest, and not having a huge apron of fat hanging off my stomach.

If I were rich, I would forget about dieting. I would get a personal trainer and work my way into a good workout routine, eat healthier, and try to slowly reduce the amount of food I ate. I would have a major tummy tuck and some lipo done on my stomach, hips, and double chin. Then I think I could be satisfied enough with the way I look. It think it would even help me stay motivated so I could lose a few more pounds.

One thing I have decided to do for sure, is NOT GAIN any more weight. I got up to 253, my new all-time, non-pregnant high. Great. I'm down below 250 now, wavering up and down. I have resolved that I will NOT go over 250 again. If I had done that back when I weighed 200, I wouldn't be so miserable now. I didn't like being 200, but at least I could find clothes that fit. So from now on, when I see my weight getting to 249, I will be very careful what I eat until I lose a few pounds. I'll just have to weigh myself religiously.

I'm double-posting this on my other blog, Weigh Out of Control, and I will try to put any posts about my weight on there, rather than here, so the skinny people don't have to listen to me whining! I'll try to post some other topics as soon as I feel up to it. Unfortunately, the way I feel right now, homemaking and my other interests are just not something I can keep my concentration on right now. Hopefully I can get out of this funk soon.

Thank you to those who have posted comments in support of me. I really appreciate it, especially from those who are going through the same thing, and understand how I feel.

4 Responses to "Feeling Down"

Anonymous Says :
6:00 PM

Goodness, you had me so worried! I am glad that you found time to post. I check everyday! God Bless!

Bethany

Julie Says :
7:27 AM

I have been where you are, frustration wise - I have less children though ROFL. I am about the same weight and without a pop addicition but surely an issue with food. I have just started Weight Watchers last week, and it, for some reason, is working for me. Not as a diet, as a lifestyle. I am eating what *I* want within reason. I want you to go look at something http://www.wwfamilyforum.com those are websites for people who have ALL LOST OVER 100 lbs, and others over 200, on weight watchers. I know someone who was on an internet birth board with me, and has been an online acquaintance for over 6 years, lost 180 lbs on WW, all while I sat and watched her online instead of doing it with her. It works. But you have to work it. I know you are frustrated, but you CAN do it. But you have to own some of it and be ready for change. Its not easy. I'm an RN and i know exactly what WLS entails and you don't want that. Why not learn to live in moderation ? Is that not what God tells us to do ? I try and remind myself of all the saints who fasted for years. Anyway, I just wanted to give you a little cheer and tell you where I was, because I can hear the despair in your voice. But you CAN do something about it. And you can start today. ((hugs))

Anonymous Says :
9:29 PM

We're dealing with a lot of the same issues, and I just want you to know that I'm rooting for you! Chin up, kid. We'll both get through this.

Mrs. Marsh Says :
2:12 PM

I never post. I'm a down-to-the bone lurker. I usually feel that the comments of a stranger can't be that helpful, but I am moved to write. DO NOT GIVE UP. Do not lose hope. You can lose the weight.
I am not just a sidelines cheerleader who doesn't know what she's talking about--When I got married I weighed 235. Eight years and two kids later I've managed to get down to 159. It is possible. I am not the queen of self control, I am not rich enough to have a trainer and personal chef.
Pray for God's help, and know in your heart that YOU CAN DO IT.
I feel a bit silly. I am nearly in tears as I type because I know first hand the hopeless feelings and the anger. I just really feel compelled to give some support and hopefully some comfort.

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