Feeling Down

I'm sorry I haven't posted in a long while. I've had a hard month, and just couldn't put into words how I felt.

I don't think I'm going to be able to get the surgery. It's a long story, and I just don't feel like writing about it right now. I have been so depressed over it. I've been trying to just really restrict my calories, but I can't do any diet for more than a day or two, as usual. I try so hard, but then I either get really hungry at the end of the day, or the stress of the day just builds up to where I can't stand it anymore, and I don't care about dieting. I just feel really miserable right now. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't even care about being skinny, I just want to look normal. You know, not have my stomach sticking way out past my chest, and not having a huge apron of fat hanging off my stomach.

If I were rich, I would forget about dieting. I would get a personal trainer and work my way into a good workout routine, eat healthier, and try to slowly reduce the amount of food I ate. I would have a major tummy tuck and some lipo done on my stomach, hips, and double chin. Then I think I could be satisfied enough with the way I look. It think it would even help me stay motivated so I could lose a few more pounds.

One thing I have decided to do for sure, is NOT GAIN any more weight. I got up to 253, my new all-time, non-pregnant high. Great. I'm down below 250 now, wavering up and down. I have resolved that I will NOT go over 250 again. If I had done that back when I weighed 200, I wouldn't be so miserable now. I didn't like being 200, but at least I could find clothes that fit. So from now on, when I see my weight getting to 249, I will be very careful what I eat until I lose a few pounds. I'll just have to weigh myself religiously.

I'm double-posting this on my other blog, Weigh Out of Control, and I will try to put any posts about my weight on there, rather than here, so the skinny people don't have to listen to me whining! I'll try to post some other topics as soon as I feel up to it. Unfortunately, the way I feel right now, homemaking and my other interests are just not something I can keep my concentration on right now. Hopefully I can get out of this funk soon.

Thank you to those who have posted comments in support of me. I really appreciate it, especially from those who are going through the same thing, and understand how I feel.

Support, Please

I've been getting some feedback, emails, etc. from readers (and a couple of relatives who know), who are concerned about my chosing to have the lap-band surgery. I know some people are concerned that I am taking the "easy" way out (anyone who knows anything about WLS--weight loss surgery--knows it is anything BUT the easy way out) or that I haven't tried hard enough or long enough to lose the weight. That gets kind of annoying, because most of these people either aren't heavy or aren't as heavy as I am. Sometimes you find someone who WAS as heavy as me, and finally managed to lose it. Time will tell if they'll keep it off. Maybe they will. But the facts are that only 3-4% of people who diet will keep it off. The rest will regain the weight eventually, and usually a little more. Studies have shown yo-yo dieting is actually more dangerous than staying fat.

The difficult thing about being so overweight is that once your body gets this heavy, it is very hard to lose more than a small percentage of it, because your body thinks its supposed to be this way, and will hold onto the weight any way it can. Sure it's possible to lose it, but it is SOOOOOOOOOO hard. If you've never been more than 100 pounds overweight, you would not understand. Losing 20 pounds is nothing like losing 100. And of course, there is the emotional issue. Unless someone has a physical problem (thyroid problem, medication side-effect, etc.) then they didn't get fat without some emotional eating going on. So not only is your body addicted to the sugar and other junk you may eat, but worse still, you are emotionally addicted to overeating. You use food as comfort, to stuff down your emotions. We all have something we use to deal with stress--alcohol, drugs, food, sex, exercise. My habit just happens to make me fat.

My major problem in trying to lose weight is discouragement. I try so hard, and see little result. Then a stressful situation arises, and I am miserable, and thinking "why bother, why suffer just to stay fat anyway?" And so I eat. Now, I don't sit in the closet and eat a bag of oreos in the middle of the night. Really, I don't. Everyone assumes you must, to be so fat. Well I didn't get fat overnight! You don't necessarily have to eat massive amounts of food to get fat. I ate normally, maybe sometimes overeating a little...but I drank regular soda constantly for two or more years. Whoops! How did that sixty pounds jump onto my butt?! Soda, my friends. Soda. Of course, drinking all that soda (in my opinion) stretched out my stomach, and I started eating more and more. I've given up the soda, and I try not to keep junk in the house. I try to make it so that if I want junk, at least I have to go drive somewhere to get it, and I don't stock up on it. Unless I get depressed, then I might get enough junk to ration it out over three days.

Now I can honestly say I do overeat. I eat too much at meals--not huge amounts, but too much. My problem now is grazing all day. Being home all day is a killer when you're heavy. I have all the time in the world to stare into the fridge and decide what to eat next, and often I don't realize I'm doing it. I'm also too lazy to cook for myself. I don't like cooking, so I'll cook for my family, but I don't like to go to too much trouble to make my own lunch.

I know everyone has my best interests at heart, but it is very discouraging to hear all about how someone else lost their weight, and I should do it too. Believe me, there isn't anything you can tell me about the risks of weight loss surgery that I haven't already found out about. I have been researching this for two years. I read through dozens of memorials for WLS patients who died, to find out which surgery they had, what they died from, etc. Most of the time people quote me the risks, they are usually referring to the risks of Gastric Bypass or some other WLS, not adjustable gastric banding (Lap-Band). And often it is second, third or fourth-hand information. I would never make any serious decision without thoroughly researching it first.

Also, I have weight-related health problems that make it necessary to lose weight as soon as I can. I'm not going into my personal health history, but one thing I will tell you is that I have two defective heart valves that will need replacing in the next 5-10 years. That means open-heart surgery. My chances of dying during this serious operation will triple if I do not lose the weight and KEEP it off. The risks of dying from the lap-band are extremely small...basically the same as any routine operation (if any operation is routine), such as a c-section or hernia operation, both of which I have had. Most of the serious complications found in studies of U.S. lap-band trials were due to inexperienced surgeons who have done less than 100 bands. I will not be using an inexperienced surgeon. Adjustable gastric banding is the gold standard of WLS in Europe and Australia, where long-term studies of the band have been done, showing much more successful statistics. American surgeons are no longer in the "clinical trial" stage with the band, and are much more experienced, on the whole.

Believe me people, I've tried plenty of diets: South Beach, Sommersize, Weight Watchers, all natural, several diets of my own making, starving, "miracle" herbal supplements, Atkins (twice), you name it. The only one that worked was Atkins, and it was not worth it. The lack of carbohydrates made me so cranky and nasty that it wasn't worth it, and it threw me into a year-long depression. (Some people don't experience this, but many do). And of course, I gained back the weight, as well as a few extra pounds.

I am definitely not doing this to look like a model, or fit into a size 2, or anything like that. I am doing this to be the healthy, happy, productive, best wife and mother that I can, and should, be.

I would prefer if people would not tell me that I'm making the wrong choice, or that I haven't tried hard enough, or that I haven't tried the right diet yet. No one but me knows what I have tried, or how hard I worked at it, or what choice is right for me. I know these people are just trying to help, but in the end, it only makes me feel worse. I understand if someone doesn't agree or can't support my choice to get banded, but in that case I would rather they not say anything, if they can't be supportive. To me, being supportive isn't telling me I'm making a rash or uninformed decision, when I'm not...even if they mean well. Right now, support is the one thing I need, and except for my wonderful husband, I have no other support system.

The most important thing you can do, is keep me in your prayers. Thank you for thinking of me!

WLS Update

Wow, long time no post! I've been spending all my online time researching Weight Loss Surgery, doctors, hospitals, etc. For one insane day I actually was considering gastric bypass, because a doctor at WLS informational seminar was really pushing it, and putting down the band (pretty typical--bypass is what they're comfortable with). But luckily I didn't allow myself to be swayed (well, not for long) by the great before and after pictures and rapid weight loss of the RNY gastric bypass patients.

I researched the possible complications, not only the "death rate" (which is woefully under-reported, as many bypass patients die months, even years later) but also the problems talked about on the yahoo group OSSG-gone_wrong. I searched the archives and found a HUGE "laundry list" of repeated complaints--health problems that were strongly suspected to come from vitamin deficiencies, even when patients took their vitamins. Just a FEW are: vision loss, memory loss, tooth loss, cancer, osteoporosis, depression, suicide...the list goes on and on. And these are YOUNG women we're talking about. So NO, no RNY for me!

I am still wanting to do the band. My only major concern with that surgery is the number of fills I may end up having to get, because each pregnancy I'll have to have the band unfilled, then refilled later, and probably adjusted a few times. Lotsa buckaroonies, people, and not covered by my insurance. Multiply that by all the pregnancies I'll probably have...and we all know how often I get pregnant, don't we? ;-)

The research I've done the last week has just confirmed for me the relative safety of the lap band surgery. I say "relative", because ANY surgery can kill you, just from blood clots and infections alone. General anesthesia and the fact that I'm overweight just add to the risks. But it's no riskier than a c-section. In fact, in my case, it would be less risky. And I believe that if it is my time to die, I will die no matter where I am--at home, on a bus, or in an operating room--assuming I'm not being reckless, that is. I would consider the RNY reckless for me, in my opinion and in my particular circumstance. I just don't feel that I am fat enough or sick enough to take on the risks of that surgery. But lap band is another story. Much fewer risks, and the risks themselves are less severe. And it's adjustable and much easier to have removed in an emergency. I'm not selling the band to anyone, just stating my reasoning.

Weight Loss Surgery

I've fought with my weight for a long time. Very little seems to make a difference. The only diet that worked at all for me was Atkins, and I had to go off it because the lack of carbohydrates made me really cranky and depressed.

My weight has gone back up. I am bouncing between 247 and 250, mostly staying around 249. I can't take it any more. I try so hard, and nothing works. If I saw some real progress, maybe I could stick with it. But I'm just not the kind of person who deprive myself on a constant basis without seeing some real benefit.

I've looked into weight loss surgery for quite a while. I concluded almost immediately that gastric bypass was not something I would consider. Perhaps if I weighed another 100 pounds, or had more serious co-morbidities (weight-related health problems) I would consider it. But the risks are just too high in my opinion. Plus I don't believe in cutting out body parts that God gave you. Yes, technically they're still in you, but you've surgically separated them. Plus there are so many miserable and serious complications you can suffer afterwards.

Then I found the Lap-Band...adjustable gastric banding. It is similar to gastric bypass in that it restricts your food intake, but your stomach is not separated, nor are your intestines bypassed. All they do is put a silicone band around the top of your stomach. It has a tube leading away from it that ends in a "port" that is sewn near the front of your abdomen. The silicone band restricts the amount of food you can eat by forming a pouch at the top of your stomach, which is very small and fills up quickly. But unlike the gastric bypass, the food still goes through the rest of your stomach and intestines. Six weeks or so after surgery, you go to the doctor for a "fill". The doctor locates the port in your abdomen, numbs the area, puts a syringe into the port and puts a little saline solution in, which inflates the band, making it a little tighter around your stomach. That gives you more restriction, and this is what makes it adjustable.


If you find that you're able to eat too much, you get another fill. If you need the band looser, say for pregnancy, you can get unfilled. If you have problems with the band, it is reversible. You can have it surgically removed. There is a much lower risk of death, fewer and less serious complications possible, and you will ultimately lose just as much weight with the Lap-Band as with gastric bypass. The weight usually does come off slower, but that is better anyway, to give your skin a chance to get its elasticity back, so you can have less hanging skin.

Lap-Band is the "gold standard" in most other countries. And if your insurance doesn't cover it and you're paying for it yourself, you can travel to another country and get it done much cheaper, by doctors who are much more experienced. The doctors here are fairly new at it, because it is a newer surgery in this country. So often when you go in for a seminar or doctor's appointment, they try to steer you towards the bypass.

There are risks, but if you choose a surgeon who has done at least 100 bands, the risk is very small. Also, since it is done laparascopically instead of an open incision, the healing time is less.

My insurance does cover it, and I am definitely eligible. I am applying this week for approval. Please pray that I get it, and quickly, and that I can keep up my breastfeeding so that I will not get pregnant. I will have to stop breastfeeding before the surgery (American doctors' rules), so after the surgery I will have my priest's permission to use natural family planning to avoid pregnancy for at least a year to allow time to lose the weight (docs say 18-24 months, but they're so anti-pregnancy anyway).

I have researched this for a year and a half and done a lot of thinking and weighing the risks and the benefits, and I think this is the best choice for me and my family. My family deserves a wife and mother who is healthy and capable of fulfilling her duties, and can't be that person the way that I am right now.

For more information, check out Lap-Band.com and the information about lap-band on Obesity Help. Obesity Help has forums and reviews from many patients for their surgery, the hospital they used, and their surgeon. However, this site is for all weight loss surgeries, so keep this in mind when reading testimonials, reviews, etc. Also search for bandsters and Lap-Band support groups on Yahoo. People who have the band often refer to themselves as "bandsters".

If you are interested in getting the lap-band but would have to pay for it yourself, I would recommend going to Mexico. I know, your first thought is "eeeeeww" but there are surgeons there who specialize in this surgery. The important thing is to pick a good one, and a good hospital. The best I've heard of is Dr. Kuri in Tijuana. I've talked to many people who've gone to him, they all swear by him (though most bandsters LOVE their surgeons, anyway). He's done more than 1200 surgeries, teaches other doctors in Mexico and the U.S. how to do the surgery, and it only costs around $10,000. In Mexico you get excellent attention from the staff, and many people who get their band there go back to Mexico for follow-up plastic surgery to remove excess skin. But again, research is VERY important.

Please keep my intentions in your prayers. Pray that I am approved quickly, that I don't get pregnant til way after the surgery, and that the surgery is safe and successful. Thank you!